Ding Dongs
Top 5 Wedding Dos and Don’ts for the Happy Couple
#1 For those likely to kneel at an altar: do not leave your shoes unattended anywhere near your brother or your dad before the ceremony.

You may wonder what all the tittering is about as the congregation reads H E from your left sole and L P on your right. You’d better hope the photographer is focusing on faces, but not your new mother-in-law’s.

#2 For those likely to invest in a large-hooped dress and button-under lingerie: do a dry run before the big day to ensure you can perform all basic functions, or make sure a very good friend is willing to accompany you to the toilet each time. A flushed face may not be the look you were going for in your reportage mingle shots.

#3 For those opting for a relaxed buffet affair with no tables, just fun hay bales: carve a clear path to the bridge rolls and potato salad before you drop. The first thing past my lips on our wedding day was the cake thanks to the ceremonial cutting through the chatty well-wishers for a traditional photo, about nine hours after my bowl of cornflakes. James handed out whopping great slabs of it to whoever was nearest. Which was me. I refused to move away. I didn’t care who was taking pictures.

#4 For those planning on phoning for a cab home after waving their guests goodbye: you may find there are no cabs left and none of your hangers-on know their own names anymore. When you wake up the next morning, on separate hay bales, in your wedding clothes, splattered in confetti stains, mud, ink and Uncle Bob’s blood, you may bless the decision to only book the photographer up until the opening riff of Come On Eileen.

#5 If you are driving yourselves to your honeymoon destination: do not leave your car unattended near your brother or your dad.

You may wonder why you can’t get the smell of kippers out of your car for the entire trip. Even once you dispose of the kipper under each front seat, you may wonder why the smell seems to be coming from the air vents.

Top 5 Wedding Dos and Don’t for Guests
#1 Avoid poaching the official photographer’s experienced set-up shots: whether nipping in front of them or shouting ‘Just a quickie’ from alongside, they will remember you.

Photographers are professionals, and they understand photoshop better than you. You may regret your foolhardiness.

#2 If it’s a white dress thing, keep ten paces away at all times. Then you can’t be blamed for anything.

Some coloured confetti leaves a stain, muddy footprints on the train can be distracting and dropping the ink pen into the bride’s lap at the signing of the register is frowned upon. (And still talked about 37 years later, jeez.)

#3 Bring snacks, toys, books, a change of clothes and a fully charged tablet (plus charger) and maybe even a pop-up tent and camouflage net for your little people. Otherwise they will find startlingly imaginative ways to entertain themselves.

Don’t forget the photographer – once the requisite shots of the smoochy pair together, bookended with in-laws, surrounded by out-laws are in the bag, they are there to document the wildlife.

#4 Keep an eye on undulating tablecloths: beware the monsters that lurk beneath.
By now the photographer is likely the only sober person at the wedding. Even the

sashed-up toddlers have polished off enough bubbly dregs to get this party started and have founded a breakaway camp below decks – fair’s fair, they’ve clocked up enough being good for the next three months. The fallout of a resurfaced pickled poppet stabbing a sleeping Great Uncle Bob with a pastry fork is not the photographer’s business, getting that glint in the crazed little eye, is.

Maybe this bandit faction are not your kids but recruitable snack-smugglers for when a generous tablecloth provides cave-dwelling relief. Every hardworking bitch face needs a few minutes rest away from cameras. (Yeah, come back later, I’m busy. Bring crisps.)

#5 Remember, what goes around comes around: sucking in your cheeks chirping ‘This is my best side’ to the photographer whose pictures you poached earlier may result in you praying for the happy couple’s final edit of the official photos to save your blushes. Do good deeds. Kneel at the mountain. Hope the photographer’s partner does not write you into their blog.